I have a favorite Author who said that his most successful ideas and efforts came from the worst time in his life. He went on to ask if you know anyone who isn’t in a crisis, coming out of a crisis, or about to be in a crisis? I can say this rings true for me in several time periods in my life where success is concerned. Having experienced great levels of success at one time period, I forgot about the hard times. I wasn’t prepared for the emotional and mental struggle that came with failure (or the feelings of being a failure) that all came crashing down in a seemingly endless barrage of betrayals, let downs, and consequences.

These troubles are nothing new, I can look back on my life and see that the once successful counseling business I started came out of what I thought then was the worst time of my life. Losing my job of 13 years, my first wife’s betrayal and the divorce that ensued, and the financial hardship all of this left behind. Somehow, I found the energy and purpose to start a counseling business and married my soul mate thinking that nothing could stop us.

We have one hell of a story that meant so much at that time, but as I have learned, change is constant, and our story has changed a lot over the years. Fast forwarding to the more recent worst times…

As a Parent / Father, or at least what being a “good” dad means to me… I can feel just how engrained the need to provide, support, sacrifice, and remain loyal for my family is in my life. I also think it’s true that these characteristics often go unnoticed and underappreciated for both Moms and Dads. It becomes increasingly painful when your children become teens (and in our experience) seem to reject all of these concepts as annoyances as they do their best to avoid any kind of responsibility. Throw in some blended family households with less accountability and now we’re really cooking.

I don’t want to go on and on about problems, I have done that enough in my own head, so I’ll get to the point. I came to realize one day, that I had lost my identity. It needed to go through a major overhaul. I had become lost in this identity of being a “good” dad, even if these concepts were being turned against me.

Guilt is a powerful emotion, even when it’s misdirected or whether it’s even appropriate or not. It seems like guilt is a common feeling for parents going through troubled times as we worry about the effect it will have on our children. I believe guilt is one of the emotions that kept me bound to this identity of being a “good” dad. Unfortunately, it seems to be the weapon of choice for family members to use to get what they want or control outcomes they desire. In my opinion, using guilt as a weapon is extremely narcissistic and self-serving that leaves lasting emotional impacts on those it’s used against.

I have noticed that when people start to change after realizing they are stuck in an unhealthy role, that the people around them who have depended on that role (good or bad) begin to act out in efforts to sabotage that person’s growth. I would guess that it usually centers around those who are avoiding responsibility, and a change would mean they would have to be more responsible? This is where my concept of “Bad Dad” came from. If making changes to better myself, to make my life more fulfilling, to explore my passions makes me a Bad Dad, then so be it. I have to be clear, I am not talking about doing anything that would harm anyone or have negative consequences. I am talking about in my case, spending more time playing the guitar, writing, exercise… HEALTHY ACTIVITIES that build confidence and purpose. Doing these things unapologetically.

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